The Mixer

Will
21 min readJun 13, 2023

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Part I

Adam stared at the email from his Uncle Joseph, his fingers tapping nervously on the keyboard. The subject line read, “Urgent Job Offer: Personal Cybersecurity.” The rich uncle, residing in the luxurious city-state of Monaco, had always been an enigma to Adam. Despite the distance and their infrequent meetings, Adam had always been fascinated by his uncle’s extravagant lifestyle.

As a student of computer science at a prestigious university in the UK, Adam was no stranger to the realm of technology. He had always been curious about cybersecurity, but the opportunity to delve into it professionally had never presented itself — until now. The thought of working for his wealthy uncle, even temporarily, was both exciting and a bit intimidating.

Adam was an only child and grew up in a quiet suburban town in the United Kingdom, he was surrounded by the warmth of his parents’ support and encouragement. His childhood was filled with joyful memories of family trips and his parents’ constant emphasis on the value of education.

Adam’s parents, however, longing for a more relaxed lifestyle, made the bold decision to retire early and move to the sun-soaked shores of Spain. The timing of their departure was a challenge for Adam.

At the age of 18, he found himself standing at the precipice of independence, on the verge of entering university to pursue his passion for computer science. Their absence, though tinged with a sense of loss, served as a catalyst for his growth and self-discovery.

Adam had enjoyed his first few semesters of studying computer science, but wanted more and felt like the series of foundational lecturers and labs were going too slow for his liking. His curiosity got the better of him, and he quickly replied to Uncle Joseph’s email, expressing his interest in the job.

Within hours, his uncle responded with a plane ticket and a detailed itinerary of his stay in Monaco. The suddenness of it all left Adam’s mind reeling, but his desire to explore the world of cybersecurity propelled him forward.

* * *

Arriving in Monaco, Adam was whisked away to his uncle’s luxurious villa overlooking the crystal-clear waters of the Mediterranean Sea. As he settled into his room, a sense of grandeur mingled with apprehension filled his thoughts. The task of sorting out personal cybersecurity for a man of such wealth seemed both daunting and surreal.

Uncle Joseph greeted Adam with a warm smile and a firm handshake. He explained that he had become increasingly concerned about the security of his digital assets and online presence. As a successful figure in the business world, he wanted to ensure his privacy and protect himself from cyber threats.

Adam immersed himself in his uncle’s digital world, carefully examining his online accounts, networks, and devices. He began to implement sophisticated encryption methods, installed antivirus and robust firewalls, enabled multi-factor authentication and supplied him with hardware authentication tokens.

He educated Uncle Joseph about best practices, warning him about the dangers of sharing too much on social media, phishing and vishing scams, SIM swapping, and the importance of strong, unique passwords, stored in a password manager. Days turned into weeks, and Adam’s understanding of cybersecurity grew exponentially.

On one summer evening, Adam sat on an ornate marble bench on the villa’s terrace with Uncle Joseph and they shared a bottle of Dom Pérignon. Adam believed he found out a solution to many of his Uncle’s problems.

“Uncle Joseph, I’ve been reading about deniable encryption lately, and I think it could be an important concept for us to consider. It’s a way to protect our communications while also having the ability to deny their existence if necessary.”

His uncle, wanting to know more, asks “Deniable encryption? That sounds intriguing, Adam. Can you explain it to me in simple terms?”

“Sure. Deniable encryption is a technique that allows us to encrypt our messages in a way that others cannot prove they even exist. It provides us with plausible deniability, meaning we can deny the existence of specific encrypted messages or conversations if ever questioned.”

“That sounds quite useful. How does it work?”

“Well, with deniable encryption, we use special algorithms that encrypt our messages in such a way that they can be decrypted using different keys. Each key produces a different message, but all of them seem plausible. So, if someone gains access to our encrypted communications and tries to force us to decrypt them, we can use an alternative key that reveals a different message — one that is innocuous or even unrelated to the actual conversation.”

“Ah, I see. So, even if someone tries to coerce us into revealing our conversations, we can claim that the decrypted messages are the only ones that exist,” Uncle Joseph realized.

Adam replies, “Exactly! Deniable encryption provides an added layer of protection by introducing doubt about the true nature of our encrypted communications. It’s like having a secret within a secret, making it challenging for anyone to prove the content of our conversations beyond what we’re willing to disclose.”

“That could be incredibly valuable, especially considering the nature of our work. It provides an extra level of security and protects our privacy.”

Uncle Joseph turned to Adam with a proud smile. “You’ve done an exceptional job, my boy,” he said. “Your dedication and expertise have given me peace of mind.”

Adam’s heart swelled with a sense of accomplishment and purpose. His time in Monaco had not only provided him with financial stability between university terms but had ignited a passion within him.

As Adam bid farewell to his uncle and returned to the UK, he carried with him a newfound determination. He enrolled in advanced cybersecurity courses and attended various UK infosec conferences, eager to continue his exploration of the field. With each passing day, he aimed to strengthen the foundations he had built in Monaco, always mindful of the responsibility he had undertaken.

Part II

The next summer, Adam received an email from his uncle, once again filled with a sense of urgency. The subject line read, “Critical Assistance Needed: Securing My Cryptocurrency.” Adam’s heart raced as he opened the message.

Uncle Joseph explained to Adam that his cryptocurrency investments had grown exponentially, and the value of his digital holdings now amounted to tens of millions of dollars. Worried about the increasing threat of cyberattacks, Uncle Joseph turned to Adam for help.

Filled with a mix of excitement and trepidation, Adam quickly accepted the invitation. He knew that this task would be the most challenging yet, but he was eager to prove himself and protect his uncle’s substantial wealth. With renewed determination, he packed his bags and made his way to Monaco again, his mind buzzing with the complexities of cryptocurrency security.

As Adam arrived at the luxurious villa, he was met by a visibly anxious Uncle Joseph as well as his surgically-enhanced wife, Alexandria. They exchanged warm greetings, and Uncle Joseph wasted no time in explaining the gravity of the situation. The booming popularity of cryptocurrencies had attracted the attention of hackers, and the need for impenetrable security had become paramount.

As the golden sun began its descent over the azure waters of the Mediterranean Sea, casting a warm, ethereal glow upon the picturesque city of Monte Carlo, Adam, Uncle Joseph, and Alexandria then went into town in their white Bentley Continental and embarked on a night of adventure. Dressed in their finest attire, they ventured into the heart of the glamorous city.

The evening unfolded with an enchanting stroll along the renowned promenade, where palm trees gently swayed in the breeze and the faint scent of sea salt lingered in the air. Their journey led them to the magnificent Casino de Monte Carlo, a beacon of extravagance nestled among the rolling hills. The trio passed through the majestic entrance, their hearts racing with anticipation.

Uncle Joseph, ever the consummate host, led Adam and Alexandria to a private lounge, reserved exclusively for those seeking the epitome of sophistication and privacy. As they settled into plush velvet seats, the attentive staff catered to their every desire, offering a tantalizing array of handcrafted cocktails and delectable hors d’oeuvres.

As the night wore on, they ventured to the casino floor, where the intoxicating allure of chance beckoned them. The mesmerizing whirl of roulette wheels, the symphony of slot machines, and the hushed whispers of blackjack tables created a symphony of excitement that enveloped them.

Uncle Joseph, with his discerning eye for opportunity, gracefully navigated the intricate dance of high-stakes gambling. His charisma and astute decision-making elevated the thrill of the game, as chips exchanged hands and fortunes swayed. Alexandria, a vision of elegance and poise, accompanied him with an air of confidence, occasionally whispering words of encouragement in his ear.

Adam, while not as seasoned in the world of gambling, revelled in the electric atmosphere. He observed the intricate strategies employed by the players, immersing himself in the intricacies of the games. The rhythmic spin of the roulette wheel, the delicate shuffle of cards, and the delighted exclamations of winners formed a symphony that echoed through the expanse of the casino. As the night neared its end, Uncle Joseph, Alexandria, and Adam emerged from the casino, their hearts filled with memories.

Part III

Over the weeks that followed, Adam worked tirelessly, delving deep into the intricate world of cryptocurrency security. He began to audit every aspect of Uncle Joseph’s accounts, scrutinizing his wallets and transaction histories. He set up hardware wallets, implemented multi-signature authentication, established advanced monitoring systems to detect any suspicious activity, and researched the latest scams to avoid them.

Adam’s expertise in blockchain technology and encryption protocols grew with each passing day. He felt he had found his calling, and Uncle Joseph’s trust had propelled him to new heights in his career. But, Adam also felt he had to clarify a few things with his uncle, such as the true nature of his uncle’s business.

Adam said to his uncle, “there’s something on my mind that I’d like to discuss with you. It’s about the nature of the work we’ve been doing together.”

“Of course, Adam. What’s on your mind?” Uncle Joseph acknowledged.

“Well, I’ve been doing some research and reflecting on our activities, and I’ve started to wonder if what we’re doing falls within legal boundaries. The measures we’ve taken to secure our communications, the encrypted devices, and the emphasis on anonymity — it all seems a bit unconventional” Adam wondered.

Uncle Joseph replied “Adam, I appreciate your concern. The truth is, the work we’ve been engaged in falls, into a legal gray area. It’s not entirely within the boundaries of what society deems acceptable.”

“I had a feeling something wasn’t quite right. Could you elaborate on what you mean by a legal gray area?” Adam asked.

Uncle Joseph, trying to be careful with his wording, “Let me be transparent with you. Our activities, especially in terms of operational security and encrypted communications, have connections to certain practices that might be considered illegal in some jurisdictions. While we are not directly involved in any illicit activities ourselves, the nature of our work might be associated with individuals or organizations operating outside the confines of the law.”

Adam pauses, thinking about what his uncle said as well as what he was trying not to say.

Uncle Joseph adds, “I understand your surprise, Adam. It’s essential to acknowledge the reality of the situation.”

* * *

In actuality, Uncle Joseph had established his own cryptocurrency exchange and cryptocurrency mixing service — a dual enterprise that allowed him to capitalize on the growing popularity and pseudo anonymity of digital currencies.

Under the guise of a legitimate business, Uncle Joseph’s cryptocurrency exchange provided a platform for individuals to convert their illicit funds into various other cryptocurrencies as well as help them turn it into fiat currency, a process known as cashing out. With a seamless interface and robust security measures, he attracted a vast clientele seeking to obfuscate the origins of their digital wealth.

By offering a cryptocurrency mixing service, Uncle Joseph promised his clients he could break the traceability of their transactions from blockchain analytics firms. This process involved combining multiple transactions and changing them into different currencies, effectively obscuring the links between sender and recipient, making it exceedingly difficult for anyone, including the authorities, to track the flow of illicit funds.

Operating behind a veil of encryption and leveraging the decentralized nature of cryptocurrencies, Uncle Joseph’s exchange and mixing service acted as a hub for money laundering activities, providing an avenue for criminals to launder their ill-gotten gains and obscure the paper trail of their transactions. It was mixing hundreds of millions of dollars of funds every month, and earning him money via the fees in the process.

To maintain operational security, Uncle Joseph employed his computer-smart nephew, Adam, to help design the sophisticated encryption techniques, multi-factor authentication, and cutting-edge security protocols of the exchange. This allowed him to protect the identities of his clients and ensure the secrecy of their transactions, further solidifying his reputation as a trusted operator within the criminal underworld, while also concealing the truth from his nephew, who also had to go back to university soon.

Part IV

Adam’s return to Monaco for the next summer was filled with a mix of anticipation and uncertainty. He received another email from his Uncle Joseph, but this time, the subject line carried a weighty revelation: “Urgent Matter to Discuss” Intrigued and concerned, Adam boarded the plane, unsure of what awaited him.

Upon arriving at the villa, Adam noticed a change in his uncle’s demeanor. The once confident and jovial man appeared burdened. His uncle decided that the best place for this important discussion was on the water.

As the sun cast its golden glow upon the tranquil waters of the Mediterranean, Adam and Uncle Joseph set sail from the mariner on his magnificent new yacht, gliding through the azure sea. The gentle breeze carried whispers of excitement and uncertainty as they found themselves in the midst of a precarious conversation.

Uncle Joseph, his eyes fixed on the horizon, spoke with a solemn tone, his words weighed with a sense of caution. “Adam, my dear nephew, our journey together has brought us into realms that few can comprehend. Your exceptional skills and unwavering dedication have proved invaluable to our cause.”

Adam, his gaze shifting from the sparkling waves to his uncle’s face, detected a hint of apprehension in his eyes. “Uncle Joseph, what do you mean by ‘our cause’? I thought our focus was on securing your cryptocurrency exchange’s operations and maintaining your privacy.”

Uncle Joseph sighed, a mix of weariness and conflicted emotions crossing his face. “Adam, the truth is that our endeavors go beyond the realm of legality. The vast sums of money involved, the secretive nature of our work — it is all rooted in a world that operates outside the boundaries of conventional law.”

Adam’s heart skipped a beat, his mind racing to grasp the gravity of his uncle’s words. “Are you saying that our collaboration extends beyond mere cybersecurity for the exchange?”

Uncle Joseph’s voice grew softer, almost haunted. “Yes, Adam. The reality is that you now possess knowledge that makes you both valuable and vulnerable. The money you have earned so far is just a fraction of what awaits you if you choose to continue down this path.”

Adam’s thoughts spiralled as he grappled with the weight of his uncle’s revelations. The allure of immense wealth danced before him, tempting his ambitions and desires. But within that temptation lay the stark realization that he would be willingly stepping further into the shadowy depths of criminal operations.

Uncle Joseph leaned closer, his voice a mere whisper carried by the wind. “Adam, the choice is yours to make. I cannot deny the immense opportunities that lie ahead if you continue to aid me in safeguarding my exchange’s operations. But with those opportunities comes great risk — the risk of entanglement in a world that operates beyond the grasp of legality.”

Adam’s mind swirled with conflicting emotions. The prospect of wealth beckoned, promising a life of luxury and indulgence. But it was intertwined with a web of secrecy, danger, and moral ambiguity. He knew he stood at a crossroads, where his choices could shape not only his own destiny but also the lives of those around him.

Adam’s mind raced as he tried to process the shocking revelation. The mentor he had admired, the person who had encouraged him into the world of cybersecurity and cryptocurrency, was involved in criminal activities of the highest magnitude. The weight of the truth threatened to suffocate him, but he knew he had to gather his thoughts and make a decision.

As Adam made the fateful decision to join his Uncle Joseph’s business, he knew he was stepping into a world fraught with danger and moral ambiguity. With a mix of trepidation and determination, he decided to dive headfirst into the shadowy realm of cryptocurrency mixing, intent on proving his worth and carving a path of success.

Uncle Joseph pleaded with Adam to keep the truth a secret, citing the dangers that would befall both of them if their involvement were to become known. He painted a picture of a dangerous underworld, where retribution was swift and unforgiving. Fear mingled with loyalty as Adam struggled to reconcile the man he thought he knew with the revelations laid before him.

Days turned into weeks, and a heavy silence hung over the villa. Adam wrestled with his choice and his conscience, torn between protecting his uncle and the moral choice to expose the truth. He thought about joining a hidden network of whistle-blowers, but he didn’t think it would work. He did, however, begin to make records and keep secret backups of communications with his uncle, just in case he needed them one day.

Uncle Joseph reiterated the importance of anonymity and privacy in their communications, hinting at the need for even more enhanced security measures. Adam delved into researching the most advanced tools and techniques for secure communications.

He recommended the use of the Tor network for everything to maintain anonymity while browsing the web, and introduced Uncle Joseph to the TAILS operating system, renowned for its focus on privacy and security. Together, they meticulously configured their devices to maximize protection against potential threats.

Understanding the need for an additional layer of security, Adam sought out a specialized company renowned for crafting encrypted mobile devices. He procured two of these expensive devices, designed with robust encryption protocols and hardened against potential breaches, for himself and his uncle. With these devices in hand, their communications should be shielded from prying eyes, adding an extra level of security to their conversations.

As their collaboration continued, Uncle Joseph marvelled at the depth of Adam’s knowledge and the unwavering commitment to their security. He expressed gratitude for Adam’s assistance in navigating the complexities of the digital world, acknowledging the importance of their communications remaining confidential.

Part V

The pressure began to mount for Adam and the stakes grew higher. He found himself struggling to maintain the delicate balance between his own principles and the demands of his newfound role. The weight of secrecy and the allure of immense wealth began to take their toll, clouding his judgment and pushing him to the edge.

Adam’s once meticulous work, however, started to exhibit signs of fatigue and recklessness. His focus wavered, leading to oversights and vulnerabilities within their operations. The encrypted messaging apps he recommended were not always deployed correctly, compromising their communications. He became careless in maintaining operational security, leaving digital footprints that could be traced back to their activities.

Uncle Joseph’s expertise lay in providing specialized services to these darknet markets, acting as a facilitator for illegal transactions and ensuring the smooth flow of illicit goods and services. He had developed a reputation for his reliability, discretion, and ability to navigate the intricate web of the darknet with finesse. One of his primary roles was to provide a secure platform for the sale and distribution of illicit substances, acting as a middleman between suppliers and buyers.

Apart from drug-related cryptocurrency laundering activities, Uncle Joseph’s range of mixing services catered to the needs of the criminal underworld. This also included enabling cryptocurrency escrow services to buy and commit identity theft, counterfeit documentation, cashing out on ransomware payments, and even weapons procurement. His network of contacts extended beyond borders, ensuring a steady flow of clients seeking his expertise in navigating the intricate web of illegal activities.

Uncle Joseph, his face etched with concern, confronted Adam about his growing list of mistakes. “Adam, I’ve noticed a decline in the quality of your work. These errors could have severe consequences for us. What’s going on?”

Adam, his eyes filled with a mix of frustration and guilt, confessed, “Uncle Joseph, I think the pressure is getting to me. The weight of this underground world we’re part of… it’s overwhelming. I’m torn between the desire to excel and the struggle to maintain my moral compass.”

Uncle Joseph’s voice softened, a glimmer of understanding in his eyes. “I knew this path wouldn’t be easy, Adam. It’s a constant battle between the allure of wealth and the preservation of our principles. But we must find a way to overcome these challenges, to rise above the pressure and remain steadfast.”

Adam nodded, a determined resolve flickering within him. He knew he had to regain control, to find a way to reconcile his ambitions with his conscience. With Uncle Joseph’s guidance, they reviewed their operational protocols, implementing stricter security measures and conducting thorough audits to identify and rectify their vulnerabilities.

As time passed, Adam’s mistakes were corrected, and he regained his footing. The weight of the world he had chosen to be part of remained, but he learned to channel it into motivation, pushing himself to grow and adapt. Each mistake became a lesson learned and a reminder of the consequences that awaited any lapse in judgment.

Part VI

The end of the summer came around again and it was time for Adam to return to the UK. As Adam boarded the plane, excitement filled his heart. He was looking forward to his upcoming graduation ceremony at his university. He was also going to see his retired parents again, for the first time in years. Little did he know that the journey he was embarking on would take an unexpected and harrowing turn for him.

As he stepped off the plane at Heathrow and headed to the arrivals terminal, he was greeted not by his parents but by a group of stern-faced officials from the UK National Crime Agency (NCA). Confusion and fear washed over him as he was swiftly escorted away from the bustling airport terminal and into a dimly lit interrogation room.

Hours turned into an eternity as Adam sat in custody, his mind swirling with questions. What had gone wrong? How had he let himself get entangled in a web of criminality? The weight of his choices pressed upon him as he contemplated the consequences he now faced.

The door creaked open, revealing a seasoned NCA investigator who took a seat across from Adam. With a stern expression, the investigator began the intense questioning, delving into the depths of Adam’s involvement with his uncle’s illicit operations. Every detail was dissected, every connection probed, as the investigator sought to unravel the intricate web of criminality.

The custom encrypted phones Adam had acquired for both himself and Uncle Joseph were, in fact, part of an elaborate sting operation orchestrated by the UK National Crime Agency (NCA). Unbeknownst to the pair, their every communication and transaction were under the close scrutiny of law enforcement.

The NCA had developed these encrypted devices specifically for the purpose of infiltrating criminal networks and gathering vital intelligence. They were designed to appear legitimate, fooling even the most tech-savvy individuals into believing their communications were secure.

The NCA’s objective was to lure in individuals like Adam, who sought secure communication methods to conduct their illegal operations. By offering these highly sought-after encrypted phones, they were able to infiltrate criminal circles, gather evidence, and bring down those responsible for heinous crimes.

The realization that the very encrypted phones he believed were safeguarding his activities were, in fact, a trap set by the NCA came as a devastating blow to Adam. The sense of betrayal and shock washed over him, knowing that his every action had been under surveillance all along.

As Adam and Uncle Joseph relied on the supposedly impenetrable security of these costly custom devices, their every move was meticulously monitored by the NCA. It was through the analysis of the thousands of intercepted communications and the evidence collected from the sting operation that the NCA was able to build a compelling case against Uncle Joseph. Adam’s involvement in the operation became a key piece of the puzzle, further strengthening the case against his uncle.

Faced with mounting evidence and the reality of his situation, Adam knew he had reached a critical juncture. The weight of the choices he had made, the knowledge he possessed, and the consequences he now faced loomed over him. It was in that moment that he made a decision — a decision that would alter the course of his life and the lives of those involved.

In a bold move, Adam chose to cooperate with the NCA. Recognizing the gravity of his uncle’s criminal activities and the need for justice, he struck a plea deal, offering his full cooperation and insight in exchange for leniency.

The NCA, understanding the significance of Adam’s testimony and the potential dismantling of a criminal network, worked tirelessly alongside Europol to build a robust case against Uncle Joseph in Monaco. Every thread of evidence was meticulously examined, every connection established, as the investigation reached its crescendo.

Months passed as the case against Uncle Joseph took shape, strengthened by Adam’s testimony and the collaborative efforts of law enforcement agencies. The moment of reckoning arrived, and the net tightened around the elusive figurehead of the criminal enterprise.

Part VII

The joint operation between the UK National Crime Agency (NCA) and Europol was a meticulously planned and precisely executed mission aimed at dismantling the criminal empire presided over by Uncle Joseph. With a vast network of informants, intelligence analysts, and undercover agents, the authorities had gathered substantial evidence that painted a damning portrait of his illicit activities.

Months of painstaking investigation and surveillance had led them to Uncle Joseph’s opulent mansion nestled on the shores of Monte Carlo. The mansion, a symbol of extravagant wealth and decadence, stood as a fortress against the prying eyes of law enforcement. But the determined agents were prepared to breach its defenses and expose the truth hidden within its walls.

Under the cover of darkness, a team of highly trained officers assembled, each aware of the gravity of the mission they were about to undertake. Clad in tactical gear, armed with cutting-edge weaponry, and equipped with the latest in surveillance technology, they formed a formidable force ready to confront the criminal enterprise head-on.

Stealthily navigating the manicured gardens and evading the vigilant security personnel, they closed in on their target. With each step, the tension mounted, the adrenaline coursing through their veins. The air was charged with a palpable sense of anticipation and the weight of the responsibility they bore. Their meticulous planning and seamless coordination had brought them to this critical moment — a moment that would define the outcome of their arduous investigation.

As they breached the mansion’s perimeter, swift and precise, a flurry of activity ensued. Doors were kicked open, rooms were cleared, and occupants were swiftly detained. The once serene mansion was now a scene of controlled chaos as law enforcement agents methodically scoured every corner, determined to uncover the hidden evidence that would seal Uncle Joseph’s fate.

Inside the mansion’s ornate chambers, the investigators unearthed a trove of incriminating evidence. Documents meticulously detailing money laundering operations, encrypted devices containing a digital trail of illicit transactions, and a labyrinthine network of connections linking Uncle Joseph to powerful criminal organizations and cybercrime gangs — all of it was meticulously catalogued and secured as irrefutable proof of his wrongdoing.

As the dawn broke over the glittering waters of Monte Carlo, a sense of satisfaction washed over the law enforcement team. Their tireless efforts had paid off, and justice would soon be served. Uncle Joseph, once a figure of power and influence, now stood exposed and vulnerable, his empire crumbling around him.

As the news of arrest of Adam’s uncle spread, shockwaves reverberated through their organized crime network. The operation, once shrouded in darkness, was exposed to the light of justice, casting a long shadow over those who had benefited from its illicit gains.

For Adam, the journey had come full circle. The mistakes, the pressures, and the ethical dilemmas had led him to this moment — a turning point that would redefine his future.

In the wake of his cooperation, he embarked on a path of redemption, seeking to make amends for his past choices and charting a course towards rebuilding his life on a foundation of truth and legality.

As the legal proceedings unfolded, the once inseparable bond between Adam and Uncle Joseph disintegrated into a chasm of betrayal and shattered trust. The consequences of their actions had caught up with them, and the price to be paid was steep.

Adam’s graduation ceremony came and went without him— a bitter milestone marred by the knowledge of the choices he had made. He sat in his bedroom and watched the news about the raid of his uncle’s villa in Monaco. He contemplated about how he got caught up in all of it and wished things had been different.

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